having all these fears of graduating and fears of going out to work, and fears of never studying again. all my life i’ve always been studying, always been learning, despite always been selective in my learning. all my life i’ve read more books than made more friends. and all my life, i’ve shunned people more than approached or opened up to them.
and now this part of my life is drawing to a close and it’s all i’ve ever known. now, i don’t really know what to expect in the next chapter of my life. does it go on as I hope it would, or will it degenerate into something I don’t even recognize anymore? this history essay which I will be writing on masculinity in colonial eras, and/or the changing relationships between colonizers and colonized males will be the last essay i will ever write in my entire student life. and i just, just don’t want this to end. i don’t want this to be the last essay i ever write, because i love writing essays, i love doing research, and i love doing these assignments. i feel like my whole four years, the learning process has just started, and now it’s just ending way to soon :’(
i don’t want to graduate and go out to work and be a nameless, faceless commuter on the train, sucked into the world of capitalism, with my primary aim of focusing on just what money can get me. i don’t want to be frivolous. i don’t want to be stupid. i don’t want to be unable to analyse societal changes. i don’t want to rest on my laurels and be stuck in the miriness of not knowing. i don’t want to be mixed in that, and i don’t want to be influenced into that kind of thinking. i still want to read, i still want to learn, there is still so much more to learn. i don’t want to conform to the prevalant mindset of an assumed inherent laziness, the notion that laziness = happiness just does not exist in my dictionary.
i don’t want to be stupid.
Pastel Icebergs by Zaria Forman
Zaria Forman perfectly masters drawing with pastels. Recently, the artist reveals works representing icebergs. An impressive record, discovered in a series of beautiful images.
just wish I have you here whenever I want and need, like how it used to be in the past, and not have to share you with your students. just wish I have the security that you are always here whenever I need you. now you always feel a million miles away whenever you’re with your students. and whats the point of telling you anything when I already know what you’re gonna say and I already know that nothing you say is gonna change anything or make anything better. you will forever be stuck in this situation and so will I.
- can’t believe i’m becoming all i professed never to be, can’t believe how disgusting this feeling is -
sigh, not gonna let such shitty things and feelings affect me. gosh, there are so many other things to worry about.